.

I hate that I know I'm a good person. I hate that my feeling of self worth disappears when I see those numbers.

Just leave me alone.

Trying to Not Cry Over Spilt Milk.

From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling
sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react
to the people and events in your life. You can
either give negativity power over your life or you
can choose happiness instead. Take control and
choose to focus on what is important in your life.
Those who cannot live fully often become
destroyers of life.

- Anais Nin

American author (1903-1977)

This past week or so, I've learned a lot about people.

What it takes to be a bigger person, who's really there for you. College gives a harsh dose of reality to a lot of aspects in a young person's life. But the one I think that is the most valuable isn't taught in a classroom.

It's about people.

If they know who they are and how willing they are to let others influence their way of thinking.

About a year ago, I had this crazy idea that people could think for themselves and that things like the media or the "Sullivan's Nod" couldn't really affect someone. That it was just an illusion.

But it's real.

People really do suck and do let the smarter ones mold their way of thinking.

Now, I wouldn't say they're conforming to society, no. BUT, I would say that their judgement becomes clouded and then they're given a half paved road to walk down and make decisions then based on the new guidelines they've been given.

At around the same time last year, someone I knew said something along the lines of the people he'd met here at school he didn't consider his real friends.

At the time I didn't understand what he'd meant. He'd known a group of people for about a year, had hung out with and gone to shows with. Created some kind of relationship with these people.

I thought he was mean for saying something like that. I know I would of been offended to not be considered a real friend to someone I'm opening myself up to.

Little did I know that this person was keeping everyone a safe distance away. After all, you can't get hurt if you don't get close to people, right? Right.

But it's a shitty way of living your life.

Recently, I have experienced negative comments thrown my way by people who hardly know me. The people whom I thought were my friends from last year easily showed how I could be ostracized. Pushing my best friend along with me, when she didn't even do anything to deserve that treatment, but associate herself with me.

I can't conclude anything about certain people at this time, but I'm learning. Extremely fast.

And I know that I won't be keeping people at an arm's distance away from me, but the second you show me that you'll hurt me as easily as someone you didn't like in High School, then I'll graciously step away from being associated with you.

I thankfully have a wonderful best friend here, a mother, a few best friends from home (one's in California), and a wonderful boyfriend who support me. From my mistakes to my achievements... they're there. If you don't want to be, you don't have to be.

If you don't deserve to be, you won't either.

But if you are, I'll be there for you as much as I humanly can.