Just Give Me Two Seconds.

Today I was just thinking about when I went to MCC last year, the classes I took and the people I'd met.
I drive past the school everyday going to work and I just started remembering my Intro to Philosophy. My teacher (Mrs. Keller, I believe was her name) was one of the most wonderful teachers I've ever had. The best thing about the class was she demanded us to THINK. To give input; our opinions.
While I almost can hardly recall any philosopher's name or what assignments we really did, I do remember meeting my friend Grant. The whole semester had gone by and we had never spoken to each other, we were both fairly vocal in class discussions.

Finally, one day in class we were all just talking, and Grant made a reference to Donnie Darko.
"What's Donnie Darko?," I asked.
"WHAT?! You've never seen Donnie Darko?! You probably don't deserve to live."
Gee, thanks Grant :)

I'll never forget that encounter, Grant is still one of the people I'll always be happy to hear from. His insights, opinions, and sense of humor are that only of a boy with too big of a personality for such a small town.
Ever have such a funny encounter meeting someone who all the sudden became one of the people who make you smile whenever you hear from them?

I've met quite a few strange people at MCC and this whole past year I'd almost forgotten I had even gone there for my first year of college.

The people in Lysistrata (Make love, Not war)...oh how I will never forget them. As much as I would like to forget a few of them, my brain won't allow it.


I really don't know exactly why I decided to post about MCC tonight. Maybe all those drives to Crystal Lake just jogged my memory or maybe being here makes me feel like I'm not really going back to Lindenwood...

Don't Try to Fix Me, I'm Not Broken.

Lucky me got to start reorganizing my room..

Throwing away things I don't need or want anymore. Old things left from High School or last year that just don't need to fill the space in my small personal confinement of Harvard, Illinois.
I found that picture of me and you.
We were sixteen. And I was so ridiculously in love with you.

Some people who rummage through old things keep them to remind them of the good times. To remind them to not let history repeat itself.
But I ripped it up and threw it away.

I don't need the reminder of what we used to have. I was in love with you from four years ago, not now.
We grew apart and that's okay.

My only fear right now is just never finding that guy that will make me a crazy about him as I was about you. I remember what that used to feel like. I'm just worried I'm never going to find it again.
I tried putting myself out there. Didn't work.
I put such a bitch exterior out there now; I guess because I'm just protecting myself. I like it better that way almost I suppose. Nothing feels better than being able to read a guy and all the b.s. he's trying to get past you.
Please. I've met plenty of guys like you before, you don't surprise or intrigue me at all.
Get lost, please.

Things will happen when they're meant to. That's just the way things are right now though.

On a different note, life in general has been pretty nice. Just like it's all been put on pause though. I'm just coasting. The only friends I have up here each live in opposite directions from my town and it sucks. People who I thought were my friends just really want something from me.
Everytime I get a text message from someone in Northern Illinois that's not from Rosie or Roni, all I can think is "What do you want from me now?"

I'm starting to despise my phone. Damn you piece of technology that tempts me to connect with people that aren't worth my time!
I get bored and what do I do? Text. More than likely if it's not Roni, Ashley Sue, or Rosie it's someone who I don't need to be talking to.
Fucking Harvard and it's lack of fun activities to keep me busy.

Appreciating Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking, reflecting on things.

...It takes about 35 minutes for me to just get to work. So that's an hour and ten minutes, Monday thru Saturday each day. So that's roughly, what, seven hours of thinking?? Yea.
And yesterday when I was taking that drive I just started thinking about how good I was feeling about myself.

When Ashley Sue and Veronica came over, we started discussing men/boys/whatever you wanna call them...and it was like a realization. Every guy I've ever encountered can be filed under a certain category. They're not all in the same ones, but they're subcategories of different "types" of guys. And there's different ones: "The Hookup Guy", "The Liar", "The I-Try-Too-Hard", "The 'Victim' ", and as we were talking...the list just got longer.

It's like the movie He's Just Not That Into You. Minus the happy ending right now and I'm not Gigi by any means.

And I don't know, somewhere inbetween writing about my past history with guys and doing all the driving back and forth to school...it just dawned on me that I really actually know who I am.
I'm not defined by these people, but they are indicators of who I've been.
In the midst of trying to find myself. I've been so many different things to so many people.

You have been too, I bet. We all have.
Do you ever just stop and ask if you really know yourself? It's so scary to think you don't know who you even are, but I believe that's a key ingredient to being happy. Or at least being happy with the fact that you're on your way to figuring out who you are.

I'm only 20 years young, but...I feel so empowered all of the sudden.
Like it REALLY doesn't matter if I'm good enough for anyone else; right now I'm good enough for myself.
There was a point, I think, where I just got sick of it. Sick of the text messages; of the guys asking to go out and then the date not getting anywhere.
(I would also just like to point out that if you ask a girl out through a text message, don't be surprised if she says 'no'...there's something so unpersonal about asking a girl on a date via text.)

I dunno.

I guess all I can really say is: I'm back.
And it feels so good.

I Won't Ever Understand It.

So this might seem really cliche, but I don't think I'll ever understand boys. Ever. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Here's some of my lastest favorite YouTube videos.
Enjoy.