Hi, Beautiful

How are you today?

You know...I've been thinking a lot lately.
....You're way too forgiving. Did you know that?

Not that it's a bad thing! Just.....some people don't deserve what you give them.
Which is okay at times.
But you really need to start recognizing when someone's had their fair share of you.

Time to move on.

Love,
Me

"You Know, That Midget That Sits in the High Chair..."

"Stewie?"

Hah. My grandpa is hilarious.


I love my family. My mom and I have been going on a 2 1/2 mile walk a few days a week now and we get to talk and catch up on life.
My brother is slowly but surely getting a lot better to get along with.

I'm hanging out with Rosie and Emma and Roni a lot more now that I have weekdays open, which is really cool.


Hopefully I'll be able to take a lot more pictures this coming weekend at Faire, because working at the Shamrock is so much fun but I have to be sneaky when I bring out my camera to take pictures.

Thank God for Friends

I'm really at that point right now, to where I don't know what I would've done without them this past week.

Tough love has a whole new meaning to me and I couldn't be more grateful to them.

Please don't ever give up on me, guys.

I love you all way too much.


For the record, I lost. Or more or less just threw my hands up in the air, smiling....
...because it hit me. All on my own, like a ton of bricks smacking me in the face (and it didn't even hurt!), it dawned on me that I don't want this.

There was nothing mysterious about you or eye catching. I was just trying to help what I thought was a lost soul...but we're so different.
You live in the present and I live with the future always in mind.

"I'm focusing on what's going on right now," you say.

Well that's fine, everyone should...but if you don't have a plan for the future, then you're just swimming in the current time, which becomes the past before you even know it.

That's fine that you don't have a plan, that just means you're not really what I'm looking for.
...How could I want someone who doesn't even believe in God (or at least a divine being that's greater than us)?

And I'm okay. And life is great. And I am more proud of myself than I ever have before because when everyone thought I was almost hopeless, I saved myself.

And sometimes saving yourself is the only way to be saved.

I'm Losing.

And sometimes losing is okay.

But it makes me want to cry. Just cry and cry until my body doesn't know what it's like to stop the tears coming from my eyes.
...So in this case it sucks when your body won't muster up the tears.

They're there and they want to fall!! Damnit, body, just let me cry my heart out!!

Why won't my body recognize crying? I need to, it's been a while since I've just balled my eyes out.
This is insane though.

I just want to SCREAM!!! Scream so many things.

Nobody from school can understand what's going on because they're not here...and right now I really wish I had: 1. Ashley's presence, 2. James's strong gripped hug, 3. APO family to make me smile.
I always want what I can't have.
Doesn't everyone?

Just pack my car, give me my schedules, and send me on my merry way.

I really feel hopeless. Maybe I am right now.

One thing's for sure: if this is how I feel being here for summer, I won't be coming back a lot anymore.
Promise.
And you'll have no one to blame.


If you have the answers to life, I'd sure like a sneak peak in.

Such a Sucker...

For beautiful acoustic music.

I can't deny that I listen to music for the lyrics. A smooth, calming voice and nice words.
Makes me feel so much ridiculously better.

Never Shout Never-Hummingbird. Beautiful song.


--There's so many things on my mind. One of the biggest things I think about lately are friends.
Present. Past. Future.

Who's left my life and entered it. The people who didn't make it to my life right now aren't here for a reason; I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of that sometimes. Just so I stay on the right path.
Have you ever felt the same? Lost a friend and just knew that they aren't meant to be in your life anymore, even if you actually want them there?
They might just be a bad friend or have hurt you a lot, but the point is that they're not there anymore to dictate any part of your life.
Does it hurt?
Have you ever been a friend that's been dropped by someone else?

I also feel like on a side note that I should add that I'm a big girl, guys. We all look out for each other and I love you all for that.
But I'm 20. There's some point where we have to recognize where we're acting as friends and not as mothers.
I know I'm also partially to blame for this. I know about acting like a mother all too well, but please please please!....just remember that I'm smarter than others.

I love you guys.

You Have an Affect on Me

First weekend of Faire was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.!

Saturday we almost beat the much bigger booth in sales. It hasn't happened yet, but we came the closest Saturday than we ever have before! Uncommon better watch out, because I'm so determined to make that happen!

I was also talking to my bosses about possibly finding a job next May/June at the St. Louis Renaissance Faire in Wentzville, so I can do summer school and that as my job while I'm down there before Bristol starts.
Brande told me if I was really serious about that, then I should talk to her superiors Jim and Barb about opening an Uncommon booth down there!!!
I would be running it and getting manager pay for it!

Could the weekend have gotten any better? Yup.
I cracked you open. You finally talked to me. I know so much more about you know, I understand a little bit more where you're coming from.
After almost a year I got an apology, without even asking. And for the record, it doesn't scare me. Nothing about what you told me does. I'm a stronger girl than you think and like I said, I don't care what happens, I just want to be able to be a person in your life who you can pick up the phone and talk to. There's something about you that draws me in. For a while I absolutely hated it; now I just know how to handle it in my own way.
So thank you.


:)

Everything.

I went skimming through my old MySpace blogs, things from last year and before that.

There was one titled "Stardust to Remember You By"; it was written July 16, 2008. Almost a whole year ago. As I read it, I realized I have changed, but not as much as many other people have.

Reading it still makes me feel good.

I hope you getting to read it leaves you thinking more about yourself.
Because we all deserve to be selfish to a point.

There's a background story to it: I found out a guy I really actually liked, just wasn't into me.
This was the result.


...I know there's nothing wrong with me, I'm driven, fun, a wonderful person in general; yet last night I found myself asking that question. 'What's wrong with me?'

All because I found out a boy wasn't interested in me.


Why do we think those terrible thoughts about ourselves when we face rejection?Is it human nature to automatically turn on ourselves when someone turns us down on the chance of romance?

I know many people who become so ridiculously hard on themselves when they come to terms with the fact that the person they've been pining over doesn't return the feelings. Some have been my friends, some are people I hardly even know.


But isn't it strange how you can just almost tell when people are lovesick?Love. It's one of the strongest feelings in the world. I'm a firm believer that we'll all find the most divine form of love in our own beautiful, disatrous ways.


That last thought returns me to the beginning of this. Loving yourself.Coming to terms that you're not perfect. No one is.Yet when you love someone, they're perfect in your eyes.....And it doesn't have to make sense.

Although, when you come to terms with the fact that you are completely head over heels in love, you also have to love yourself.


Loving yourself. The hardest thing that some people might ever be asked to do. Yet, the one thing that could possibly save us from shutting down the second we have to deal with heartache.


In the end, our salvation depends on how much we love ourselves.

Take comfort in the fact that you will be okay.Maybe not today.Or tomorrow.
...But soon....
Love is wonderful.And so are you, my friend.

We're amazing.

The idea of love starts with loving yourself.And you deserve the best.

My Drafts

I went through some drafts and saw that two out of six of them were blogs addressed to friends that I needed or wanted to say something to....

I think I was afraid of hurting feelings, or leaving people confused.
And honestly the last thing I want to do is explain myself for anything.

There's two things on my mind tonight.
1. Faire (not as thrilled now).
2. My friend drafts.


One thing's for sure: no matter how old you are, a hug from mom still feels good.

Love, Hate, & Bambi

I should not of been allowed to drive on Route 14...

First on my way TO work, the two lanes were merging past Farm and Fleet, in front of me is a large, white SUV. As we're merging, I see the SUV kind of steer left and right fast; before I know it, a huge piece of cardboard flys from under it's tires and onto my car! I pulled over to the side of the road to let it fly off.

Thinking I'd had enough of this excitement for one day I work and then drive back...Well on the way back it's getting dark and as I proceed to go from 55 to 60 mph, I just see Bambi strutting across the road like no big deal. Like he's saying "Slow down, Bitch!".

....And I almost hit a chipmunk turning into my subdivision....



Anyway!



That wasn't supposed to be the real topic of this blog.



The real topic is actually about a thing we discussed in my Acting 1 class from my freshman year.

My teacher Jay, had us all sit in a circle and we had a class dicussion about the two biggest emotions humans experience: Love and Hate.

It was all based on calling our emotions to surface when we were reading dialogue, to make the words believable. But all the things we talked about hold true for every day life.

"Think about the two strongest feelings one can experience. Which one is stronger?"



Sitting there, I knew that what I wanted to say was the exact opposite of the truth. He went around the circle, just asking...

"Hate," I said.



Just think about it. It's so easy, in comparison, to love.

It takes a whole hell of a lot more to hate someone.



Loving is about demanding yourself to be happy...which shouldn't be hard. You can't help but feel like your heart's going to burst from being with this person and it's the best, light-hearted feeling in the world.

Hating demands thinking about that person and mustering up this dark, angry, negative feeling. Nobody likes feeling this.
And in all reality, we CHOOSE to hate.
We don't necessarily choose or consciously control whom we end up loving.

That's just my opinion though, what are your thoughts?



Faire starts in 9 days!!!

Oh Haey :)

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator








“You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there.”








That makes me smile...
So what makes you smile?