.

I hate that I know I'm a good person. I hate that my feeling of self worth disappears when I see those numbers.

Just leave me alone.

Trying to Not Cry Over Spilt Milk.

From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling
sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react
to the people and events in your life. You can
either give negativity power over your life or you
can choose happiness instead. Take control and
choose to focus on what is important in your life.
Those who cannot live fully often become
destroyers of life.

- Anais Nin

American author (1903-1977)

This past week or so, I've learned a lot about people.

What it takes to be a bigger person, who's really there for you. College gives a harsh dose of reality to a lot of aspects in a young person's life. But the one I think that is the most valuable isn't taught in a classroom.

It's about people.

If they know who they are and how willing they are to let others influence their way of thinking.

About a year ago, I had this crazy idea that people could think for themselves and that things like the media or the "Sullivan's Nod" couldn't really affect someone. That it was just an illusion.

But it's real.

People really do suck and do let the smarter ones mold their way of thinking.

Now, I wouldn't say they're conforming to society, no. BUT, I would say that their judgement becomes clouded and then they're given a half paved road to walk down and make decisions then based on the new guidelines they've been given.

At around the same time last year, someone I knew said something along the lines of the people he'd met here at school he didn't consider his real friends.

At the time I didn't understand what he'd meant. He'd known a group of people for about a year, had hung out with and gone to shows with. Created some kind of relationship with these people.

I thought he was mean for saying something like that. I know I would of been offended to not be considered a real friend to someone I'm opening myself up to.

Little did I know that this person was keeping everyone a safe distance away. After all, you can't get hurt if you don't get close to people, right? Right.

But it's a shitty way of living your life.

Recently, I have experienced negative comments thrown my way by people who hardly know me. The people whom I thought were my friends from last year easily showed how I could be ostracized. Pushing my best friend along with me, when she didn't even do anything to deserve that treatment, but associate herself with me.

I can't conclude anything about certain people at this time, but I'm learning. Extremely fast.

And I know that I won't be keeping people at an arm's distance away from me, but the second you show me that you'll hurt me as easily as someone you didn't like in High School, then I'll graciously step away from being associated with you.

I thankfully have a wonderful best friend here, a mother, a few best friends from home (one's in California), and a wonderful boyfriend who support me. From my mistakes to my achievements... they're there. If you don't want to be, you don't have to be.

If you don't deserve to be, you won't either.

But if you are, I'll be there for you as much as I humanly can.

Last for FUN!damentals

Last post for the class, the last one that counts for any type of grade.

I wish more classes would assign us something as simple as keeping a blog like this, nothing too difficult. Talking about whatever you want (to an extent) and just rambling about whatever topic you favor most.

Now, I really don't think RayWilliamJohnson's new video is that funny...at all.
He just talks about some "Crack Ho" who gives weird, honest advice to people.
So I'm going to post one of his older videos.



The tubing looked like fun, not gonna lie.....until things went wrong at least.

OH! And I'm pretty excited for New Moon to come out in November, so here's a trailer for that as well.

Oh Journey....

How you still haunt me.

My mom LOVED Journey, I grew up listening to it...I probably know all of the popular songs by heart.
And now we're playing Don't Stop Believin' for Marching Band.... :/
My roommate Ashley and I are listening to the song right now to get it out of our systems.
If you aren't familiar with the greats such as Journey, here you go!



Ugh. Not that I dislike Journey, I'm a fan, but really, Joe?..Really?
Pure entertainment, folks...pure entertainment.
Do your parents have a weird quirk about them that just makes you shake your head?
Oh my parents do....they play WoW. With my little brother. It's a family affair that I'm not a part of. And I'm okay with that.


I found this video a whie back, just mocking DND (what WoW is based off of).
It still makes me laugh.
If you know how DND (Dungeons and Dragons) works, you'll get a kick out of it too.



I'm trying to mix up the videos this time, but tomorrow I'll post some more RayWilliamJohnson. :)

**Tug of War TONIGHT!!! LU Pride Olympics!!! Same sex mudwrestling to follow after!! Starts at 7 pm at Hunter Stadium!! Come check it out!**

Something Fun.

I was getting a lot of positive responses and feedback from people who've been commenting on my blog about RayWilliamJohnson, so I figured I would give you guys another Ray video and some more fun things.



I know, the puppy was the cutest damn thing ever!!!!

So I'm going to play off Ray's questions for the forum. Except mine's more simple.
If you could own any dog, what kind of dog would it be?

And of course, you can't watch youtube without watching music videos.

This is from ISetMyFriendsOnFire.
Probably the best music video ever.



AND THEN! I've got one more to show you guys today, my friend Veronica first introduced me to this guy's work and this is probably my favorite video he has.



Let me know which video you guys enjoyed best!

**Reminder! Next Week is Greek Olympics!! If you are interested in forming teams, make sure you get ahold of Dan Bedell or Ashley Stewart and figure out how to get your teams set up! Events will be all week and if you can't compete, come out and support everyone who will be!** (That means me) :)

My YouTube Addiction

So, since people are actually going to be reading this blog now, I figured instead of giving you an insight to my personal life right now, I'd do some fun posts for everyone.

I'm a big fan of YouTube as of lately. There is a channel called Equals Three, the man that posts on here is named Ray William Johnson.
If you followed his posts from beginning to end, you'll see that they start off as more political vlogs (video blogs).

He explains further into his show that when he went in for interviews for prospective jobs, and every possible employer noted that hiring him would be dangerous because of his opinionated channel on YouTube.
So he changed it. To a more comedic vlog regarding videos that go viral and conversations between him and the forum (followers of the channel).

Here's one of his posts:



Now, that's "pure entertainment" in the words of Joe Alsobrook.

Okay, so what do you guys think?
What's one of your favorite YouTube channels or just videos in general?

**As a side note: LU students should really try to make it to this football game on Saturday! Game starts at 6. Drumline is going to be doing some fun stuff!
AND!!! There's a surprise at the end of the halftime show.
I can't tell you what. But it's worth going to!**

My School Stuff

So, this blog, for a week, will be dedicated to my Fundamentals of the Internet class. Apparently, Erica wants us to be familiar with blogs and make one.

I'm already one step ahead I guess!

Moving back into school has been one of the best things ever. It's been a total blast moving in with Ashley and Alysha. Even Vinetta is super awesome! I'm glad we lucked out with cool roommates.

This past weekend was the last weekend for Faire...I'm kind of upset about that. I'm really glad that I was able to make it up for the three day weekend though. Roni, Rosie, and I rocked out working there and I'm going to miss those girls like hell during the school year.




Yay for a new year and good times :)

Hi, Beautiful

How are you today?

You know...I've been thinking a lot lately.
....You're way too forgiving. Did you know that?

Not that it's a bad thing! Just.....some people don't deserve what you give them.
Which is okay at times.
But you really need to start recognizing when someone's had their fair share of you.

Time to move on.

Love,
Me

"You Know, That Midget That Sits in the High Chair..."

"Stewie?"

Hah. My grandpa is hilarious.


I love my family. My mom and I have been going on a 2 1/2 mile walk a few days a week now and we get to talk and catch up on life.
My brother is slowly but surely getting a lot better to get along with.

I'm hanging out with Rosie and Emma and Roni a lot more now that I have weekdays open, which is really cool.


Hopefully I'll be able to take a lot more pictures this coming weekend at Faire, because working at the Shamrock is so much fun but I have to be sneaky when I bring out my camera to take pictures.

Thank God for Friends

I'm really at that point right now, to where I don't know what I would've done without them this past week.

Tough love has a whole new meaning to me and I couldn't be more grateful to them.

Please don't ever give up on me, guys.

I love you all way too much.


For the record, I lost. Or more or less just threw my hands up in the air, smiling....
...because it hit me. All on my own, like a ton of bricks smacking me in the face (and it didn't even hurt!), it dawned on me that I don't want this.

There was nothing mysterious about you or eye catching. I was just trying to help what I thought was a lost soul...but we're so different.
You live in the present and I live with the future always in mind.

"I'm focusing on what's going on right now," you say.

Well that's fine, everyone should...but if you don't have a plan for the future, then you're just swimming in the current time, which becomes the past before you even know it.

That's fine that you don't have a plan, that just means you're not really what I'm looking for.
...How could I want someone who doesn't even believe in God (or at least a divine being that's greater than us)?

And I'm okay. And life is great. And I am more proud of myself than I ever have before because when everyone thought I was almost hopeless, I saved myself.

And sometimes saving yourself is the only way to be saved.

I'm Losing.

And sometimes losing is okay.

But it makes me want to cry. Just cry and cry until my body doesn't know what it's like to stop the tears coming from my eyes.
...So in this case it sucks when your body won't muster up the tears.

They're there and they want to fall!! Damnit, body, just let me cry my heart out!!

Why won't my body recognize crying? I need to, it's been a while since I've just balled my eyes out.
This is insane though.

I just want to SCREAM!!! Scream so many things.

Nobody from school can understand what's going on because they're not here...and right now I really wish I had: 1. Ashley's presence, 2. James's strong gripped hug, 3. APO family to make me smile.
I always want what I can't have.
Doesn't everyone?

Just pack my car, give me my schedules, and send me on my merry way.

I really feel hopeless. Maybe I am right now.

One thing's for sure: if this is how I feel being here for summer, I won't be coming back a lot anymore.
Promise.
And you'll have no one to blame.


If you have the answers to life, I'd sure like a sneak peak in.

Such a Sucker...

For beautiful acoustic music.

I can't deny that I listen to music for the lyrics. A smooth, calming voice and nice words.
Makes me feel so much ridiculously better.

Never Shout Never-Hummingbird. Beautiful song.


--There's so many things on my mind. One of the biggest things I think about lately are friends.
Present. Past. Future.

Who's left my life and entered it. The people who didn't make it to my life right now aren't here for a reason; I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of that sometimes. Just so I stay on the right path.
Have you ever felt the same? Lost a friend and just knew that they aren't meant to be in your life anymore, even if you actually want them there?
They might just be a bad friend or have hurt you a lot, but the point is that they're not there anymore to dictate any part of your life.
Does it hurt?
Have you ever been a friend that's been dropped by someone else?

I also feel like on a side note that I should add that I'm a big girl, guys. We all look out for each other and I love you all for that.
But I'm 20. There's some point where we have to recognize where we're acting as friends and not as mothers.
I know I'm also partially to blame for this. I know about acting like a mother all too well, but please please please!....just remember that I'm smarter than others.

I love you guys.

You Have an Affect on Me

First weekend of Faire was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.!

Saturday we almost beat the much bigger booth in sales. It hasn't happened yet, but we came the closest Saturday than we ever have before! Uncommon better watch out, because I'm so determined to make that happen!

I was also talking to my bosses about possibly finding a job next May/June at the St. Louis Renaissance Faire in Wentzville, so I can do summer school and that as my job while I'm down there before Bristol starts.
Brande told me if I was really serious about that, then I should talk to her superiors Jim and Barb about opening an Uncommon booth down there!!!
I would be running it and getting manager pay for it!

Could the weekend have gotten any better? Yup.
I cracked you open. You finally talked to me. I know so much more about you know, I understand a little bit more where you're coming from.
After almost a year I got an apology, without even asking. And for the record, it doesn't scare me. Nothing about what you told me does. I'm a stronger girl than you think and like I said, I don't care what happens, I just want to be able to be a person in your life who you can pick up the phone and talk to. There's something about you that draws me in. For a while I absolutely hated it; now I just know how to handle it in my own way.
So thank you.


:)

Everything.

I went skimming through my old MySpace blogs, things from last year and before that.

There was one titled "Stardust to Remember You By"; it was written July 16, 2008. Almost a whole year ago. As I read it, I realized I have changed, but not as much as many other people have.

Reading it still makes me feel good.

I hope you getting to read it leaves you thinking more about yourself.
Because we all deserve to be selfish to a point.

There's a background story to it: I found out a guy I really actually liked, just wasn't into me.
This was the result.


...I know there's nothing wrong with me, I'm driven, fun, a wonderful person in general; yet last night I found myself asking that question. 'What's wrong with me?'

All because I found out a boy wasn't interested in me.


Why do we think those terrible thoughts about ourselves when we face rejection?Is it human nature to automatically turn on ourselves when someone turns us down on the chance of romance?

I know many people who become so ridiculously hard on themselves when they come to terms with the fact that the person they've been pining over doesn't return the feelings. Some have been my friends, some are people I hardly even know.


But isn't it strange how you can just almost tell when people are lovesick?Love. It's one of the strongest feelings in the world. I'm a firm believer that we'll all find the most divine form of love in our own beautiful, disatrous ways.


That last thought returns me to the beginning of this. Loving yourself.Coming to terms that you're not perfect. No one is.Yet when you love someone, they're perfect in your eyes.....And it doesn't have to make sense.

Although, when you come to terms with the fact that you are completely head over heels in love, you also have to love yourself.


Loving yourself. The hardest thing that some people might ever be asked to do. Yet, the one thing that could possibly save us from shutting down the second we have to deal with heartache.


In the end, our salvation depends on how much we love ourselves.

Take comfort in the fact that you will be okay.Maybe not today.Or tomorrow.
...But soon....
Love is wonderful.And so are you, my friend.

We're amazing.

The idea of love starts with loving yourself.And you deserve the best.

My Drafts

I went through some drafts and saw that two out of six of them were blogs addressed to friends that I needed or wanted to say something to....

I think I was afraid of hurting feelings, or leaving people confused.
And honestly the last thing I want to do is explain myself for anything.

There's two things on my mind tonight.
1. Faire (not as thrilled now).
2. My friend drafts.


One thing's for sure: no matter how old you are, a hug from mom still feels good.

Love, Hate, & Bambi

I should not of been allowed to drive on Route 14...

First on my way TO work, the two lanes were merging past Farm and Fleet, in front of me is a large, white SUV. As we're merging, I see the SUV kind of steer left and right fast; before I know it, a huge piece of cardboard flys from under it's tires and onto my car! I pulled over to the side of the road to let it fly off.

Thinking I'd had enough of this excitement for one day I work and then drive back...Well on the way back it's getting dark and as I proceed to go from 55 to 60 mph, I just see Bambi strutting across the road like no big deal. Like he's saying "Slow down, Bitch!".

....And I almost hit a chipmunk turning into my subdivision....



Anyway!



That wasn't supposed to be the real topic of this blog.



The real topic is actually about a thing we discussed in my Acting 1 class from my freshman year.

My teacher Jay, had us all sit in a circle and we had a class dicussion about the two biggest emotions humans experience: Love and Hate.

It was all based on calling our emotions to surface when we were reading dialogue, to make the words believable. But all the things we talked about hold true for every day life.

"Think about the two strongest feelings one can experience. Which one is stronger?"



Sitting there, I knew that what I wanted to say was the exact opposite of the truth. He went around the circle, just asking...

"Hate," I said.



Just think about it. It's so easy, in comparison, to love.

It takes a whole hell of a lot more to hate someone.



Loving is about demanding yourself to be happy...which shouldn't be hard. You can't help but feel like your heart's going to burst from being with this person and it's the best, light-hearted feeling in the world.

Hating demands thinking about that person and mustering up this dark, angry, negative feeling. Nobody likes feeling this.
And in all reality, we CHOOSE to hate.
We don't necessarily choose or consciously control whom we end up loving.

That's just my opinion though, what are your thoughts?



Faire starts in 9 days!!!

Oh Haey :)

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator








“You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there.”








That makes me smile...
So what makes you smile?

Just Give Me Two Seconds.

Today I was just thinking about when I went to MCC last year, the classes I took and the people I'd met.
I drive past the school everyday going to work and I just started remembering my Intro to Philosophy. My teacher (Mrs. Keller, I believe was her name) was one of the most wonderful teachers I've ever had. The best thing about the class was she demanded us to THINK. To give input; our opinions.
While I almost can hardly recall any philosopher's name or what assignments we really did, I do remember meeting my friend Grant. The whole semester had gone by and we had never spoken to each other, we were both fairly vocal in class discussions.

Finally, one day in class we were all just talking, and Grant made a reference to Donnie Darko.
"What's Donnie Darko?," I asked.
"WHAT?! You've never seen Donnie Darko?! You probably don't deserve to live."
Gee, thanks Grant :)

I'll never forget that encounter, Grant is still one of the people I'll always be happy to hear from. His insights, opinions, and sense of humor are that only of a boy with too big of a personality for such a small town.
Ever have such a funny encounter meeting someone who all the sudden became one of the people who make you smile whenever you hear from them?

I've met quite a few strange people at MCC and this whole past year I'd almost forgotten I had even gone there for my first year of college.

The people in Lysistrata (Make love, Not war)...oh how I will never forget them. As much as I would like to forget a few of them, my brain won't allow it.


I really don't know exactly why I decided to post about MCC tonight. Maybe all those drives to Crystal Lake just jogged my memory or maybe being here makes me feel like I'm not really going back to Lindenwood...

Don't Try to Fix Me, I'm Not Broken.

Lucky me got to start reorganizing my room..

Throwing away things I don't need or want anymore. Old things left from High School or last year that just don't need to fill the space in my small personal confinement of Harvard, Illinois.
I found that picture of me and you.
We were sixteen. And I was so ridiculously in love with you.

Some people who rummage through old things keep them to remind them of the good times. To remind them to not let history repeat itself.
But I ripped it up and threw it away.

I don't need the reminder of what we used to have. I was in love with you from four years ago, not now.
We grew apart and that's okay.

My only fear right now is just never finding that guy that will make me a crazy about him as I was about you. I remember what that used to feel like. I'm just worried I'm never going to find it again.
I tried putting myself out there. Didn't work.
I put such a bitch exterior out there now; I guess because I'm just protecting myself. I like it better that way almost I suppose. Nothing feels better than being able to read a guy and all the b.s. he's trying to get past you.
Please. I've met plenty of guys like you before, you don't surprise or intrigue me at all.
Get lost, please.

Things will happen when they're meant to. That's just the way things are right now though.

On a different note, life in general has been pretty nice. Just like it's all been put on pause though. I'm just coasting. The only friends I have up here each live in opposite directions from my town and it sucks. People who I thought were my friends just really want something from me.
Everytime I get a text message from someone in Northern Illinois that's not from Rosie or Roni, all I can think is "What do you want from me now?"

I'm starting to despise my phone. Damn you piece of technology that tempts me to connect with people that aren't worth my time!
I get bored and what do I do? Text. More than likely if it's not Roni, Ashley Sue, or Rosie it's someone who I don't need to be talking to.
Fucking Harvard and it's lack of fun activities to keep me busy.

Appreciating Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking, reflecting on things.

...It takes about 35 minutes for me to just get to work. So that's an hour and ten minutes, Monday thru Saturday each day. So that's roughly, what, seven hours of thinking?? Yea.
And yesterday when I was taking that drive I just started thinking about how good I was feeling about myself.

When Ashley Sue and Veronica came over, we started discussing men/boys/whatever you wanna call them...and it was like a realization. Every guy I've ever encountered can be filed under a certain category. They're not all in the same ones, but they're subcategories of different "types" of guys. And there's different ones: "The Hookup Guy", "The Liar", "The I-Try-Too-Hard", "The 'Victim' ", and as we were talking...the list just got longer.

It's like the movie He's Just Not That Into You. Minus the happy ending right now and I'm not Gigi by any means.

And I don't know, somewhere inbetween writing about my past history with guys and doing all the driving back and forth to school...it just dawned on me that I really actually know who I am.
I'm not defined by these people, but they are indicators of who I've been.
In the midst of trying to find myself. I've been so many different things to so many people.

You have been too, I bet. We all have.
Do you ever just stop and ask if you really know yourself? It's so scary to think you don't know who you even are, but I believe that's a key ingredient to being happy. Or at least being happy with the fact that you're on your way to figuring out who you are.

I'm only 20 years young, but...I feel so empowered all of the sudden.
Like it REALLY doesn't matter if I'm good enough for anyone else; right now I'm good enough for myself.
There was a point, I think, where I just got sick of it. Sick of the text messages; of the guys asking to go out and then the date not getting anywhere.
(I would also just like to point out that if you ask a girl out through a text message, don't be surprised if she says 'no'...there's something so unpersonal about asking a girl on a date via text.)

I dunno.

I guess all I can really say is: I'm back.
And it feels so good.

I Won't Ever Understand It.

So this might seem really cliche, but I don't think I'll ever understand boys. Ever. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Here's some of my lastest favorite YouTube videos.
Enjoy.

..& It's Only the Second Saturday.

Second Saturday since I've been home.

Feels like I've been here forever...Keeping my fingers crossed Olive Garden wants a summer girl.

..."Everyday is amazing. Even if it's awful. Because everything is for a reason. Because I know that this horrible thing that happens today will bring me something amazing tomorrow."

My tomorrow is the day that I get to move my stuff into 429 Anneric.
Don't get me wrong, a nice surprise for the summer would be good. Faire should be awesome overall, I hope. Veronica has been the only person keeping me sane here so far...Matt helps out too,though.

It's a little funny that I get to text Matt, telling him I wanna go home after a terrible night...And he knows exactly what I'm talking about. "Don't let those people get you down," he says.
..."I try so hard"...tears lightly fall from eyes as Roni tells me "I'm glad though that you've found somewhere you love. That it makes you happy."

I'm tired of crying about this place. Tired of blogging about it. But this is the only way I can get my frustrations out. No one here understands it.
My mom shakes her head like she's saying, "Yes Kim, I know." But she doesn't, really.
My uncle says, "It's because you got out of here, Harvard is a hicktown."
I never used to think this. Friday football games, the musicals, marching band, driving to Genoa in my free time, and working at Subway. That was my entire life...
I used to be HAPPY here. What happened? A boy two New Years ago told me about this place, Lindenwood. Before I knew it, I was receiving my acceptance letter.

There's no turning back now.
I don't think I would want to either.

Be Happy for Me...or Don't.

So, since I've been home, I've done this:

• Friday night: Went to Roni's house, picked her up, and drove into good 'ol Harvard. Emma came over and we had just a good girls night of catching up and swapping fun stories from the year.
• Saturday: Roni, Emma, and I layed around my house (I wasn't done sleeping til about 2:30). Emma had to go. Roni and I got chinese food for dinner and went over to Jon's to play Halo & Rock Band with him and Tony. It was a blast...haven't gotten any better at Halo though :/
• Sunday: Hung out with Roni, drove her home w/mom. Saw the sister and went shopping with mom & sis.
• Monday: Did some errands. Went to Genoa to hang out with Roni & saw ERIC! I haven't seen him in almost 5 years. Crazy. It was such a good time. Went to DeKalb to help Kyky shop and got some TBell.
• Today: Went with Roni to Pivet Point school :) and then came home...waiting for Mr. Grant to come get me so we can go out and get coffee and catch up.

Now, I would like to take this opportunity to tell certain people that...this is not my home anymore. Missouri pretty much is it now. I'm growing as a person there, I've met people that just want to be happy with their college life, and so do I.

IF you cannot be happy for me, then don't. But don't guilt me into the fact that I haven't made time for you since I've been back or that I don't call.
Communication is a two way street. IF you haven't bothered to call or write this whole school year and suddenly I'm back in town and it's suddenly my fault because I haven't jumped on calling...go (insert bad idea for yourself here).

I'm obviously making time for family and friends right now. Sorry if you're not willing to contact me until I get home.

Someone from home sent me a text saying I was "too good to hang out with". At this point, I don't give a fuck what you think. And right now, maybe I am. Maybe you're upset that I got out of this little town, I'm doing well & I love it down there & I can do fine without my mommy and daddy paying for everything and taking care of everything for me.

It's called growing up...maybe you should try it sometime.

Either way, your opinion isn't wanted or desired. Worry about yourself first.

I love school. Roni, Emma, and Ashley.Sue I love you guys :)
I am so excited for life and what it has to throw at me next, I'm competely ready.

It's Too Late for You & Your White Horse...

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale...I was a dreamer before you let me down."

Wow. This whole school year has been ridiculously incredible.

I've learned so so much. About myself and other people...it's amazing.

• There's not a soul on this planet that knows me better than I do. But I can find some wonderful people along the way to relate to so we're not all so alone here.

Maybe I really am a little naive. But maybe I love having a small innocence about me. I want to know everything and have the world, but think about children.
How completely innocent they are. Naive.
I want to feel the wonderment they feel when you discover something new and exciting and give people the benefit of the doubt because we're all human and mess up.

Ugh...I wish you could understand what it's like having two homes so far away from each other.

If you do, thank god you feel this way too because it's sad and so upsetting to leave people and a place you love...
but it feels so good to come back.

I'm going to be laughing and crying all in one day.

To my Lindenwood family:
Thank you so much for teaching me this year what it's like to help each other. In moments where some of us were down & out or just lost ourselves to a point.
You guys have no idea how much you've all really saved me and taught me the value of finding real friends.

Love you guys.
Yay for the 2009-2010 school year!

Save Me?

I feel like I've been running away from things lately. I'm starting to realize that I have changed so much as a person since I've been at college.

Maybe not changed-changed. Maybe I'm just starting to actually get to know myself more.
And the realization that I didn't know myself as well as I thought in the beginning...scares me.

I am proud of myself though, for doing what I did a few weeks ago.
...ending it.
The Old Kim wouldn't of had the courage to do it.
Here's to hoping I stay strong.

By the way, the picture of the nymph on the side works at Bristol, she's gorgeous and I wish I could wear that costume.
That's the nerd in me. But don't tell me she doesn't look amazing.

Ther are so many exciting things happening this upcoming year, I don't want to spoil it by becoming attached to anybody.
Does that sound bad?

I don't know, I want to be happy with someone BUT!, not if it's like all the last times. Someone told me that I have to keep putting myself out there in order to find it.
Nope.
I'm going to let it find me this time. I want to be the pursued this time instead of the pursuer.
(Is that even a real word?...Pursuer?)

For a few years, I randomly visit GroupHug.us, a website I kind of accidentally found when I was feeling a little sad.
Right now I feel like this person:

• Anonymous said at 8:35 am on May 8th, 2009:
  i should be happy. my exams are over for this week, its friday, its nearly summer etc
  but im not

Granted, my exams aren't over for the week, but I really am going to miss being at LU for the summer.
I feel like I have to rebuild my relationships at home again.

Which is weird, I feel like it's all my fault. But communication is a two way street.

Leaving with funny words.

(405): I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
(1-405): Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar

<3

Just Don't.

I've decided a lot of things over the past few days.

What I deserve. What I don't deserve. What does and doesn't make me really happy.

At this moment in my life, I just want to be Kim. That Kim girl.
Not caring if you haven't met me. Not caring to meet you.

Because I'm content with the people in my life and who they are.


I love APO. I love Lindenwood. Ashley is by far, the best friend to have here when I've felt so alone.
Missouri has done a lot of good for me, I think I really would intern or get my first job down here.
Which kills me to think about leaving my mom behind. I don't want to leave her or make her feel like I'm abandoning her.

There's a lot of times when I feel like people almost mock me or that they think I'm completely some hopeless girl who "wants to be someone someday".

Well, I will be.
Watch out too, because once I want something, I get it.

Please Virginia, Take Me Away...

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically right now.

Could've gone out tonight. First time in a long time for just fun.
Didn't do it.
Would rather be at work right now, hanging out with Megan Z., Jenna, and TK.

College is my home away from home.
LongHorn is my home away from home. Teresa's the substitute mother. Ashley's the best friend. And Megan Z.'s the Emma of Missouri.

I'm in tonight. Lights off. TV on (of course).
10th Kingdom, again.
My love.

I can never get sick of this movie. Labyrinth is amazing, but there's just something about watching this movie.
I always wanted my own fairy tale. I still do. And when I'm an old grandma, sitting in front of my grandkids, they'll never want for an amazing story.
This story is keeping me going. It's comforting.
Reminds me of home. Of mom. And Neal.
I take my family for granted sometimes.
A lot of the time I still feel like I'm six. Calling for mommy. But no one comes.
Dad was never there. Never will be.

And, for some weird reason, this movie is my security blanket.

And for the second time since I've been in St. Charles for school I've been called naive.
How dare you. The first time it happened I thought "fuck you". The second time I almost believed it. But I do know who I am. I know who I can trust. I know what the world is like. I'm experiencing it right now. I can't say the same for either of you. Maybe, just maybe, if you get off your high horse, classifying someone else, then maybe I'll consider feedback from you.
Chances are not likely for either one of you now, though. The first person is just acting like an ass and the second I'll never see again.
So good luck with life.

Anyway, I'm off with Virginia now to go help Prince.

"There's No Place Like Home"

Watching 10th Kingdom makes me happy.
It reminds me of sitting around with my brother and mom watching it.

My brother would dance with the trolls when they sing "Saturday Night Fever".
...And I would be telling him how goofy he looks while my mom's laughing at us probably making food in the kitchen.

I think I take being home for granted sometimes.

"I know this time of year is bad, for you"

Spring break was pretty good. I got to see people, Ashley in particular. She came back from California. I hope she doesn't go back out there, I'm pretty sure she realizes that she's happier being at home, even if her boyfriend isn't here.

But, for some weird reason, I was slightly excited to come back to school. I think a big part of it was knowing I have projects and a lot of things to get done here still. I'm productive here, and it's hard to focus again after a week of just hanging out. At home, non-the-less.

Not to mention when I was home there was a bit of drama at the end of it. Sometimes I feel like such a bad person. I know I'm not, though. Mom says I still try to make too many people happy. I don't know.

Things at school didn't change when I came back from Spring Break. Which was nice. I hope I get into APO.
There was a conversation though, at the dinner table; two girls I didn't know, but the boys did were at the table also. During their conversation, I had an immediate flashback to High School. Like I was sitting there and the girls I had wanted to get away from, were staring right at me.
I'm aware that I don't really know these girls, so they're probably really nice. I just didn't care to hear about the drunken escapades.

My childhood never consisted of an alocoholic father or family member beating me. I've never lost a loved one from alcoholism. And I'm not opposed to having a good time with a few drinks. At all. That's why I'm so weirded out by the way I was listening to them yesterday. I had disapproving thoughts to these girls that were of the legal age to drink, like I was thinking that they were 13 and not 21.
Maybe I'm just really strange.

Right now, I'm just wishing for it to be summer. July to be exact. Be at home. With my best friend, boyfriend, and family. Getting a new job and enjoying one of my true loves: Ren Faire.
People probably get sick of me talking about it, but it's a really big part of my life. Which is weird because I'm only there 3 out of 12 months of the year on weekends.
I just want to feel at ease. I'm happy, I just want less pressures right now.

Crankiness

If you don't know me well enough I will tell you one simple thing about me...


I like my sleep.


So, when I told my brother last night I would drive him to be at school by 7:30 I didn't really have a problem with it.
....Until my mom woke me up at 6:45 telling me to "make sure your brother is up at 7".


FUCK THAT.
I AM NOT A PERSONAL ALARM CLOCK.
YOU ARE 18, GET UP YOURSELF!
...or don't. I don't care. But DON'T use ME to wake your ass up.


I'm obviously still cranky.

It's 7:23 & we still haven't left yet.

It's 9:53 & My Fingers Are Cold...

My alarm went off at 6:45......I didn't get up until 7:17.
My hair had to stay frizzy for the day.

Classes were okay I guess.

The only real upside to this day is that Ashley, Alysha, and I got our house!
429 Anneric Road, here we come!

Still wishing my laptop were actually fixed so that I could be laying on my bed writing this so that I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that I'm sleepy, but I'm bored.

Right now I'm not alone, but I'm lonely.

I keep checking my phone. Nothing. Nothing since about 5:17.

I Need Something New

Something new to inspire me...

A good book or a new movie that just makes me feel good. I've watched The 10th Kingdom three times in the past two weeks (& it's an 8 hour long movie).

Don't get me wrong, that stuff makes me feel good. But I need a new fairy tale.

Give me something new. Anything.

I don't know what it is I need right now to make me feel whole. Probably to just be back at home for a little while, but since I can't have that there has to be something new.

I think I need some just "me" time tonight. Go to Wal-Mart, get a frozen dinner, maybe find that new book or movie I seem to be craving in my life right now. And then clean some of my room before break starts on Friday.

--I know I'm growing up and it scares me to death to be quite honest. I know I can't stop it from happening, but I feel like these fairy tales and far away places keep me young. For a little while at least.
As I get older, the more I feel like I've taken people in my life for granted. My grandparents especially.
I wish I would've asked my Nana when I was little to teach me how to speak Greek. I wish I could today. Or even ask her about where she's from and her family. I blame part of this to my father, I know it sounds terrible, but I feel like he was never really family oriented.
I wish I could tell my Grandma 'thank you' for reading me and my brother and sister bedtime stories, for letting me and my sister stay up with her, watching Beauty and the Beast while drinking tea (with lots of honey in it), for showing me through stories and paintings that life is a beautiful place. And for teaching me how to grow cucumbers the right way every summer.

...there are so many memories I'll never forget.

And I guess I just think that I've been too grown up this past few weeks with school. There's a time to be grown up, and there's a time to be a kid.
So I think I'm going to go now and get that little something I've been needing these past few days.

I Wish I Could Blog More...

Sometimes it's hard to keep up on this blog posting thing. But I really do enjoy writing in it, and I wish I had more time in the day to use part of it blogging.

...If only my laptop were fixed. Soon though, very soon.

On a different topic, Jill Falk said this morning in Survey of Proffesional Media that she enjoyed my class blog. I felt very proud of myself, because I honestly really want people to read what I have to say.

Even if I don't think what I have to say is good enough or that important.

Jill told us to be thinking about our personal brands. That life in communications you have to have a website with your brand on it in order to get noticed. I agree.

I just haven't figured out my personal brand yet. I love the idea of making a website dedicated to happiness and love of all degrees.

To post stories of people helping other people.

I think I'm starting to see my calling as writing inspirational things. Giving people hope. Sometimes though I'm afraid that so many people try to do things along the line of that, that I will just blend in with all the rest.

Sometimes you have to take a risk though.

...I might just do it.

We'll see.

I guess ultimately I would just love having a job where I get to just voice my opinions. To talk to people and tell them that life doesn't have to suck. That you control how you feel and only you, in the end gets to have the final decision on how your life will be.

I'm not perfect, but this is what I know. And I'm passionate about it.

More than anything.

Damnit, doorknob

This morning when I was getting ready to go out for Sibley Day I was getting dressed too close to my bathroom door. My arm came down really hard.
And my elbow proceeded to meet my doorknob.

Since noon it has felt like my pinky and ring finger are asleep. You know, when you sleep on your arm and you wake up and you can't really feel your arm or it at least feels funny? Yea, like that. Since noon.

Fuck you, doorknob. You inanimate object from hell.

Looks like Ashley and I are going to get a house for next year, or at least try to get one. Keep your fingers that it works out for us.

Because I do not want to deal with Sarah Green or Donna, our lovely RD next year.

I thought it was good.

I didn't feel like being original in my post today.

I took these quotes below. And I'm not giving them back.

Laptop's still on the fritz. For some reason though, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. Pretty sure that's a good thing right now at least.

I now know I can really live without Facebook days at a time.

My elbows are starting to feel dry. Damnit.

And for some reason, I'm thinking about my Grandma when she was alive.
She was an artist.
Every night she would read fairty tales to my sister, brother, and I.
I think that's why I love them so much. Especially the art in The Voyage of the Bassett.

You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net or over a goal line, you feel guilty and a little suspicious every time you see a Salvation Army Santa ringing his bell, you look down at least half a second if a woman leans forward and your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Everybody’s programmed.- Dollhouse

You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.~ Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Wow.In Disbelief and Amazement.

I wrote this like a week or so back and for some reason I only saved it as a draft so...I'm posting it.

Today has been such an array of ups and downs.

-The best thing that happened today was after math class (which I almost didn't go to because of lack of a mathbook). After class I talked to my professor about the possibility of being scammed out of the order I placed for it 3 weeks ago. He tells me to find a way to get a book. Fair enough.
As I'm walking to Spellmann, an international student (Claudia) from my class catches up with me and starts talking to me about it. Then she asks me if I want to borrow her other book, because she has TWO copies!!
That was seriously the hilight of the week. Take it as you will.

-My other 'wow' situation really refers to my friend Ashley. She lives out in California right now and while I admit she's never really been an optimistic person, after she moved in with Matt in an apartment in San Jose, she seemed really happy. She loves him.
But I just found out that apparentally he hasn't told her parents that they're even living together! It's been months! Wow...
On top of it, she feels like she's been abandoned by all of her friends.

Wait a second...she's the one who packed up all of her stuff and left for the other side of the country because she fell for someone. I feel like she slapped me in the face.

I love her to death and I just want my Hittin' Hornet sister to come home. Where she belongs.

Hell, I want her to come to Lindenwood and room with me.
And while we're at it, I want Veronica here too.

I need my besties. Sometimes I don't know what to do when I can't just talk to either of them.
Especially Veronica...

God, it sucks not being able to just drive home whenever I wanted. But I'm still pretty much convinced that if I got to go home more, that I wouldn't come back.

Why Do Girls Cry? Because Sometimes, Our Hearts Hurt

I started writing this post about WHY I had cried...Then I realized something.

It didn't matter.
It doesn't matter why I cried, the fact is, I cried.

Crying sucks.  It makes your eyes all red and puffy.  Your nose even gets really stuffy and sometimes runny, which is never pleasant. 

At least my contacts aren't feeling dry anymore.

I hate fighting, arguing and feeling like people are making "jokes", when they're really just being plain mean.  
I've found that guys are more prone to being sarcastically cruel to each other...which is apparentally okay with them.  It's not okay with me.

I like joking around, but with my best friend in a goofy way.  Not by attacking what other people like and believe.

ON THE TOPIC OF THE MOVIE--HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
I love it.
I believe that many, many girls put themselves into those certain situations without realizing it.  Hell, some guys might get into it too.  

There are some people who have an elitist attitude toward the movie.  The "I-knew-it-all-along-and-that's-never-happened-to-me" attitude.  

C'mon.  Let's get real.  You can't tell me that you've NEVER even made an excuse for a guy you really liked?  Nothing like, "Oh he's been really busy" or "Something MUST have happened if he hasn't called me by now.  I hope everything's okay".

WOMEN ARE STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS.  WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING.

But men don't really, either.  That's why we have the infamous phrase "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

Relationships are hard.  You'll have to work at it every day.  

And if you happen to have a "perfect" relationship, well then, nice to meet you Snow White.

My Name Is Kimberly.Ann, but Kim's Fine.

I'm pretty average.  
But I can get crazy.

My tv is always on.
But it's mainly for the sound of people talking.

I like watching reality shows.
But I don't try to make my life one.

I work at a Rennaissance Faire in the summer.
That doesn't make me weird.  Just slightly nerdy.
And I'm okay with that.

I like school.
But I want to graduate already.

Usually, I can wake up super early.
Sometimes it's nice to sleep in though.

I try really hard to be a good friend.
If I'm not, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I don't feel like I give credit where credit is due.

I should be thanking my mom for everything good that has happened to me.

Ashley and Lani deserve a better friend out of me.
I think part of it is slight resistance.  I'm not giving my all being at school socially.
I think it's because I miss home so much.
But I'm trying, ladies.

Veronica is too far away.
I hate knowing that.

My dad tries to get "involved" in my life.
He'll never really know how badly he screwed our father-daughter relationship.

I like reading PostSecret.
And Love Letters.

I'll probably address these topics seperately at one point or another.

But it's midnight and I have class at 8.

Good.night.